Ariel’s post on rebelling against liberal parents had me reminiscing over the last year, in which our household has been the on again, off again home to our seventeen year old niece. This was an interesting experience to me as a mother because it was a peek into the parenting future.

Teens at London's South Bank. Photo by Flickr user Garry Knight, used by Creative Commons license.

I often noticed the similarities between having a three year old and a teenager. Both are primarily concerned for themselves. Both are struggling with the need to distance themselves from you and anyone else perceived as taking care of them. Both are expensive (preschool + senior year of high school–now I am seeing the lifetime investment of a kid.) Neither wants to hear that you know better: whether it is sticking a finger in a light socket or skipping the SATs, they want to test the results themselves.

The big difference for us is that the stakes are so high with a teenager, and finding a balance of freedom and guidance can be nearly impossible. Sex, drug use and failing school were themes we were dealing with, and our niece ended up with many a strike in each category.

Our niece, in particular, was floundering in an effort to distance herself from her family. We wanted to help, but how? I saw over and over our niece’s act of rebellion: it was to fail at what people wanted most for her, or what people tried hardest to help with. I don’t know if she thought achievement would be some kind of umbilical cord to the people who helped, but it put us in a tough spot. What do you do for the kid who doesn’t want you to do anything but give them a shower, some food, and some distance?

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